I want to write a book where do I begin, many of you know me from my tremendous amount of facts and opinionated tweets and facebook posts. I know some of you all are like "Cristella ,what are you talking about ? " I have lost friends and followers, some has gotten the thoughts that I am an horrible person pretending to be a christian and some have connected with me and shared with me that they hear me loud and clear and they adore me for adoring the Father above .
I have learned to keep mine eyes stayed on the positive and not fix it to the negative because that will drag me to depressed feelings of acting out to the people who think I am horrible.
I have experienced life with my Father God. I have been a place as an unbeliever and understand people's matters of their heart when they question "Why and What am I living for ?
I can begin now or the beginning. I keep telling my Father, "where do I start "? Do I start at the part with my dad who abandoned me ? But he evidentally stayed in my life to nick name me, yup that family name that all call me "Cricket" . What did he mean when he called me this ? Was I that baby that made to much noise ? So much noise that he has to go because he was afraid to let his wife know of his secret that he broke marital vows.
And Father when I think about life,what do I say to make sure I am truthful and I have the right words to say. Today, I am married to a man who is my best friend. We have our battles,fights,and court case too. Should I tell my reader of that experience,the domestic violence court case.Well, I have claimed that I am unashamed.
Dear Father, Please help me tell my story so that it not just help someone else wave into their Faith in knowing you too but that it encourages and allows wounds of the hearts to be healed.
My mom married when I was five years old, it may have been four years old, All I know is when they got married, I wanted a little brother to hang out with. My mom told me to pray for my brother so that God give me what I ask for. And that I did, even after I learned about the birds and the bees ,and the facts about life in fourth grade, I still til this day believe that what you pray for comes to being. I thank my mother for introducing me to faith and the beginnings of teaching me how to pray to the Father.
The fights Ant and I had , the glass table that was broken because the word "divorce or I am Leaving " were the mean words.
In relationships ,when you love someone ,love is worth fighting for, it's not an easy feeling. So whoever said it is easy, tell them I am coming to slap them and say " you lied" .
The confessions from the heart,the mind that flowed from our mouths. The challenges that came up that we never knew we would make it. The mistakes that were made, the TELLING on another to our family and Friends, hoping that they would agree we should end. But that is not at all what came out of their mouths, Thank God for the people in our lives that never suggested that we leave but said words of relief , like " you two should talk" " I hear you ,but did you all have a good talk?" and when it was really bad we heard words like " Counseling " ,not any counseling "Christian Counseling" "Safe Harbor Christian Counseling, here is the number , here is the website".I thank my friends for this. They have supported that we can make it when we said "we are in a HOT MESS".
Wow my step dad but yet is my father the man who adopted me when he married my mom. Our relationship was a roller coaster. You would of thought I was his child. I ate every spicy dish that he ate. He shared pork grinds with me. He taught me how to ride a bike, he showed me what to do when he got me my cool pair of roller skates, No one in the neighborhood could tell me nothing. Music was always in my head as zoomed around the black cement top of our Northeast stomping ground in DC.
My father and I had fights, there were rebelliousness and disobedience and backtalk on my part. And yes he raised his hand to instruct me not do these things. I did not see it as love then. I seen him as being mean to me. He made sure he was loud and clear in teaching me how to dress like a lady. Then I was like,"I can't wait to grow up wear what I want" . As I grew up and to this very day, I know exactly what he meant,dressing loose and prerogative is not attractive. Thanks to my husband Anthony who came into my life and taught me the same lesson.
Two men in my life, there is a third that went missing. My stepdad who adopted me, gave me his family name and told me his family was my family. "Welcome to our family tree". My husband who came into my life as my friend,then became my best friend. I never had a best friend like Ant before. Someone I can tell your heart too and he listens and understand that their were hurts, rejections and pain. We also Laughed and laugh at the most silliest things. My husband love is amazing.
There are some differences like one for example is friendships. Some of my friends has become his friends and there has been cases that shouldn't have been,words that were said that did not allow them to see eye to eye.
Sometime i wonder where is that third man who is on earth the one who brought me in this world with my mother. Maybe he would be the perfect person to speak with about this. I searched at times in my late 20's and now at the top of my 30's. I will begin the search again.
The difference Ant and I had with opposite sex friends. There were some bad opposite sex friends that did take liberty to say "passing remarks",that was disrespectful. And there were some friends of the opposite sex who were not at all turned on by someone's else wife. They truly look at our marriage,and uplift it to God in prayer and hope to see Ant and I together. And those are opposite sex friends I call brother!
Its important for friends that are the opposite sex to know boundaries and to use think-inside-out".
I will stop here and publish and then come back to the rest of my journey of writing.
